How-To: Dollar Crisping Techniques

You've probably heard of a number of ways to crisp a dollar, as the concept is often featured on PBS. We like to think we've got a few different ideas up our sleeve, though :-)). Here are Meryl & Amy & Caitlin & Marcy's fav ways to crishp dollaz:

1. Place the slightly crumpled dollar bill in between pages 222 and 226 of Jonathan Frazen's award-winning novel The Corrections. Close the book. Leave it inside the book for 20-27 minutes. DO NOT GO OVER 27 MINUTES!

2. Place the dollar bill in your hand and take a handful of vanilla almond cluster cereal on top of it. This should create a difficult-to-replicate crisp(i)ness.

3. Coat a nonstick frying pan with Trader Joe's extra virgin olive oil. Let it heat for three minutes on medium-low. Add the dollar.

Le Pierre Sanchez

Rejoice Blog--so--sphere! We have returned! After a long and painful absence, Meryl, Amy, Caitlin, and Marcy are BACK!

You know. We've been busy?

As Mark Twain once said, "Just make up a quote." And he was right. Before we dive into the exquisite submarine that is Le Pierre Sanchez, let us tell you where we've been and what we've been doing. Time has passed, dear readers, but hearts have not.

I, Marcy, decided to spend the year after graduating college back-packing through small town America. I left behind the creature comforts of the ranch for the open road. For twelve glorious months, my journal and I explored post-recession America. I spent a lot of time sketching and pressing flowers in books. And sketching the flowers I pressed in books. And pressing the books I sketched in flowers. At night, I would read beat poetry (my personal favorite is Dan Brown, look him up) and sometimes cry. Friends were made, laughers were laughed, and creatures were comforted.

My, Caitlin's, last year was equally-- if not substantially more-- adventurous as Marcy's. After graduating from Brown University with a 4.0 GPA, I was offered several entry-level positions working at prominent banking firms. I accepted the one that offered the most sustainable health benefits. On my first day, I was overwhelmed by the welcoming nature of our HR Rep, Diane Wurton. Diane led me through my first day, helping me transition from college life to the corporate world.

My first project involved diving deeply into the stockpile portfolios of Wallace & Co Brothers. My first hurdle was that I needed the column width to be exactly 64. I did that by entering 64 in the box for "column width." I knew that I wanted 1-2 decimal points after each figure, but I chose 2, just to be safe. I did that by typing in "2" in the Digits Past Decimal box. I experimented with not typing the number, but simply pressing the up and down arrows until the number I was looking for showed up. That also worked.

Now, enough catching you blog-so-fans up! Onto what you've all tuned back in for: a culinary adventure featuring the bright and inspiring Meryl Streep & Amy Adams & Caitlin & Marcy (?).

As a "welcome back" dicks, we've decided to

conceptualize to craft to create to crouton a TRULY classic dish: Le Pierre Sanchez. While this dish is slightly more difficult to execute than our typical user-friendly recipes, it is absolutely worth the effort. We make up for the slightly elevated effort-level by keeping those hard-earned D's in your pock. This dish only requires-- drumroll please-- pause for effect-- wait for it-- O.N.E. D.O.L.L.A.R. (+ 39 cents + 1.65). You heard me right: one CRISP dollar (+39 cents + 1.65). In order to properly execute Le Pierre Sanchez, traditionalists require you start with an extremely crisp dollar, so we've created a tutorial on how to crisp dollars on our external how-to blog: click here.

Step Obe: Take that Crisp dollar over to your local El Pollo Loco. NOT Taco Bell. NOT Del Taco. EPL only. Hand that Crishp dollar to any employee. Say "Obe BRC burrito, NOW." They will respond very positively to that. They should bring it you very quickly. Once they've brought it to you, bypass the salsa bar, bypass the soda fountain, bypass the beckoning plastic seats, put the BRC straight into your army-navy duffle, and drive home. Locate your standard ceramic ice cream-shaped bowl, and take a second to assess your surroundings: is there sunlight streaming in through the window? Does the carpet feel nice against your toes?

Step Two: If the answer to either of those questions is YES or NO, proceed to Step Two. Using some sort of precision utensil, precisely scrape the contents of your BRC into your ceramic ice-cream bowl. We know. Your wheels are TURNING. The beans are in the bowl. The tortilla is strewn about like some kind of war criminal and it looks like things can't get any worse. This means you're doing it right.

Step Three?: So far, we imagine you've been struggling with these directions. This is a fairly advanced dish. We said that from the outset, so please don't be frustrated, although you probably are. Luckily, this next step is truly simple. Wipe the sweat off your brow, follow the directions below (and don't forget to consult those pictures, too!), and you will be set.

Set your tortilla in to a 3.6 radial tri-hexagonal diaphragm. Follow Pascal's triangle numberical derivatives in a form-folding lineage. Continue this pattern with logarithmic growth until complete satisfaction is achieved (see images below). You'll know.

Place the origamed tortilla in the midst of the BRC innards. Your post-final product should look something like the image next door:

We've walked through the dessert (bing!) and come out the other side stronger, wronger, and fronger. Sometimes, when you climb the mountain, however, you still have to plant the flag. To top off this Olympian feast, you're going to add a pretty pink cookie to the top of it. The following are acceptable pink cookies: a cookie that's pink, a cookie you make pink, or a cookie that's beige.

Voila. Viola. You are done. BUT WAIT, we're missing one key ingredient. Some sort of connection to Meryl Streep and Amy Adams. And for that matter, between the cookie and the dish.

Dear Chili's, Regarding cinnamon sweet shots

I just mailed this letter to Chili's, and I urge all of our many many followers to send a similar letter. Even if you never had the pleasure of putting a cinnamon sweet shot in your mouth, trust the food experts and know, these are worth the 49cent stamp (wait, how much IS a stamp??)

Dear The Awesome but Somewhat Misguided People Who Make Chili’s A Reality,

This letter has been a long time coming. First, I should say that I LOVE Chili’s. You have provided my friends and me with endless laughs, surprises, and deliciously snarky waiters. However, a little under a year ago, you made a fatal flaw in your menu upheaval. I have been meaning to write you about it for a long time, but could not, due to the extreme depression I was plunged into after the discovery.

You must know what I’m talking about by now… YOUR WARM CINNAMON ROLL SWEET SHOTS!! Where, oh where, have they gone? I suppose you were trying to ease me into their absence. First, you accidentally serve me a cold cinnamon roll sweet shot—a harsh blow, but still better than nothing. Then, I move to New York City where the only Chili’s is out in the Staten Island boonies, making Chili’s pleasure nearly inaccessible. Then, finally, you remove the cinnamon shots from the menu entirely, a bitter fact it took me months to discover.

I noticed them sorely lacking from the menu in October of last year, when I was dining at a Chili’s at some giant mall outside the city. My waitress could not tell me definitively whether they were gone for good or just out of “season.” Months passed, and I finally returned to the Providence Chili’s in March. I excitedly ordered a cinnamon sweet shot, and one of your lovely waiters, Ed* (*I have no idea what his name was), informed me that sweet shots were no longer a Chili’s menu item.

Needless to say, that moment was by far the worst I’ve ever experienced. I took a deep breath, but the tears began. I put my head down on the table. Ed began to explain to the tear-stained, crumbled blob I had become that “some menu items are popular with individuals but not with the masses, and this one was one of them.”

Now, I forgo all attempts at articulateness and just BEG: please please put the cinnamon shots back on the menu!!! I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THE OTHER SWEET SHOTS. The rest of them were mediocre, and I’m hesitant to even associate them with the pure, ooey-gooey, sweet, warm deliciousness of the cinnamon roll shot. And it’s not just me: I bought these shots for many a non-believer friend. They asked, “how good could they be?” I said, “they’ll be the best thing you’ve ever put in your mouth.” And you know what? After one bite, EVERY one of them agreed (probs)!

I suggest a targeted marketing campaign focused solely on getting the word out about these cinnamon sweet shots. The new Chili’s slogan could be: “Pepper in some CINNAMON ROLL SWEET SHOTS!” Or “Chili’s. Like no place else because no other place has CINNAMON ROLL SWEET SHOTS!” Or even “Chili’s Baby Back CINNAMON ROLL SWEET SHOTS.” I work in marketing, so I sort of know what I’m talking about.

Much love coupled with severe disappointment, and beneath that… hope,

Caitlin Barry

P.S. I would also accept as a consolation the recipe so I can make them myself, or a lifetime supply of them just for me. Thank you.